Are You Sharing Worldviews?
Another aspect of relationships and money is the potential divide between what money means to both of you.
This isn't necessarily romantic relationships either, this could definitely be with your friends, family and even colleagues.
It’s About More Than Just The Money
When we're talking about money, we're often not talking about money.
If it were that simple, we'd all have a perfect budget, some fun money, some goals, automated savings and investments with a fully funded emergency fund and a retirement nest egg. Easy peasy.
What we're talking about is more about safety, self-development, generosity, who we want to be, who we don't want to be, where the world is headed, politics, trauma, history, insecurity.
How You Feel About Money Can Matter As Much As The Money
Financial judgements often come from a very hurt place I think. Judging people who take a lot of holidays, or spend money on their nails, or expect you to put into an office birthday fund for somebody you've never spoken to.
That last one is quite interesting, if we think about some of the thoughts that might come up:
How come they can all afford it? Are they getting paid more than me? Do they have a rich partner?
I hate this job, why would they feel so connected to this place?
Where is the money being spent? Why are they spending so much on crap?
How come they've got the time to organise that?
If I say no will they judge me for being mean, selfish or poor?
If I say no will everybody know I don't like that person?
If I say yes will they expect me to give to every little thing from now on?
I'm sure I could go on, see how it's not just about money?
The Algorithms and the World Around You
This is absolutely worth thinking about in a relationship because what you're talking about when you talk about money might simply not be the same thing as what they’re talking about.
It reminds me of the algorithms which we're all subject to every minute of the day now. It's even more stark now I'm living in Sweden and trying to communicate with you lot over there in the UK. The world around me is totally different to the world around you. The internet I see is different to the internet you see.
I'd love to say that the internet is only a small part of our lives but ultimately, it's not. The media I consume are all so inextricably linked with algorithmic internet stuff - I get suggestions for books from blogs, blogs from podcasts, podcasts from social media, music from reels and links to news articles on a 'helpful' general news page thingy which is just a swipe away from my phone homescreen.
Every time I click on something, spend some time reading, follow a link through, rate something, sit next to somebody regularly, buy something, send an email - the information about me is updated somewhere. I'd love to say I'm on top of my privacy settings but I don't think any of us are.
The information they have about us is astounding and it means that our internets - and therefore our worldviews - are totally different. Remember when everybody watched the news at 10? I don't pretend to understand this, neither am I totally against it, I'm sort of strangely, weirdly, disgustedly curious about it.
How Does Your Partner Think About Money?
This applies between you and your partner as much as between you and I.
Presumably you have some stuff with in common with your partner(s), but the diffraction of worldviews is certainly something to keep in mind and also communicate around.
Stuff which feels straight forward and obvious to me, being in the personal finance world, just doesn't even feature in Dr Chris's brain - he's super intelligent, he's done good stuff financially, he's not scared of it but he didn't have a clue about index funds until I started rabbiting on.
Our Own Personal Money Stories
We each have our own formative experiences with money that set us off on paths we may not be aware of.
How our caregivers though and felt about finance, world events like Covid or recessions, trauma events like divorce or redundancy, what religion we're brought up in, how we feel about maths and a million other aspects all feed into how we see money and how it makes us feel. So few of us understand this, but yet we still come to our money discussion with the effects of them.
What Money Means To You
If money means freedom to you, but it means scarcity and stress to your partner - having a conversation about opening a cashback credit card is an entirely different experience for the both of you. And, I would offer, without an understanding of that, is unlikely to be a successful conversation.
With that in mind, this weeks newsletter will be about helping you set yourselves up for good money conversations. Totally sexy, totally romantic.
Sign up here.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Love Eleanor. xxx
