On Becoming Self Confident
I wasn’t always confident, even though people tell me I seemed it. For a long time, I wanted to disappear; I didn’t feel right, worthy or capable. Those feelings still visit sometimes, but I’ve learned how to recognise them and move through them and I want to share what helps me feel the sort of confident that people comment on.
Name It
Before you can change how you feel about your worth, you have to spot what it looks like for you.
Firstly, when I hear people talking about not feeling ‘worthy’ I roll my eyes. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, it feels like it belongs in Los Angeles. It took a long time for the penny to drop about how it shows up for me - a straightforward, weird, fat, British woman in business.
I’m loath really to talk about the specifics. Firstly because my thoughts won’t be your thoughts and I don’t want you to then dismiss them because you don’t feel exactly the same (like I do with Los Angeles lady), and also, because I don’t want anybody to take these feelings and apply them to themselves (borrowing other people’s shitty thoughts it definitely something that I’ve done).
Ways that it has manifested for me though are:
When I’ve worked myself to the bone because my feelings don’t matter as much as other peoples.
When I’ve refused nice things for myself but at the same time faffed around not doing anything useful - scrolling on my phone rather than knitting because I actually ‘should’ be working.
Refusing compliments and talking down about myself.
When every first reaction is negative, or when I qualify every positive with a negative - ‘no I don’t want to do that thing because I’m tired’, ‘yes it’s a nice dress but they sent the wrong size and I had to argue with them’.
Stopping talking because my head is telling me I’m silly, or stupid (not to be confused with staying quiet because it’s not your place).
Do any of these resonate with you? When I notice these, I know I’m starting to doubt my self-worth - that’s my cue to act.
How to Trick Your Brain Into Remembering You’re Worthy Immediately
Because I actually am. Not because I’m special or different, but because every human is. Every human deserves safety and comfort.
Depending on the situation, I might breathe, accept the compliment, give one to somebody else, have a cup of tea, take a break, exercise, tidy a drawer, give to charity, make something, eat something, plan something, knock something off the to-do list.
It’s generally something wholesome - something that feels good, does good, and reminds me I’m worth care, affection and attention.
Practice Gratitudes (and Include Myself)
There’s good science around the way that gratitudes change your brain, but what I’m suggesting here is that you specifically make sure to include yourself - what you’ve done, accomplished, earned or given.
For me, gratitude works best when it’s woven through my every day, not just in a morning burst. Life isn’t meant to feel good every minute (and honestly, it shouldn’t), but noticing little sparks of pride or peace reminds me of my power and agency.
For example, I’m grateful right now that I bought caffeine-free tea before I went away - This means I’m the sort of person that plans ahead and puts effort into little treats for myself (this only makes sense if you know that caffeine-free tea is impossible to find here so I have to travel into Stockholm to pick it up at the English shop there).
Become The Person You Admire
When I came to Sweden, one of the first things I did was buy a bird feeder and seed, something which me and the cats really enjoy (they’re indoor cats, this isn’t a blood-bath). I had always wanted to be the sort of person who fed birds - to me it denotes a caring person who has time for whimsy, spare funds and the ability to carry something through that isn’t directly benefitting them.
It sounds really silly to say this, but it took me a lot longer than it should have done to realise that I could just buy a bird feeder and put it up - then I was somebody who fed the birds.
I think about this a lot when I am longing to be that kind of person - somebody who trains, reads, has dinner parties, does skincare, saves, invests (let’s bring this back to money…).
The only difference between them and me is that they do the thing - so let me do it.
And The Funny Thing Is
Once you’ve done the thing, you often realise it’s not such a big deal, I know we all understand about building stuff up in your head and then it being so much better than we’d feared.
If we pull it back into what I was saying on the last blog about how I just know I am the thing (clever, capable, funny or whatever) so therefore there’s literally no reason not to feel confident.
Well, you get to prove you are the thing by doing the thing.
If You Fail
Then you simply add to the list of things you are - somebody who saw a problem, assessed it, did something about it and then learned. Who wouldn’t feel confident if they were that sort of a person?
What thing could you be doing today?
Love Eleanor. xxx
